**Disclaimer: This post is kind of a rant, kind of a vent and kind of a whiny self realization kind of post. No photos, just ranting and venting. Read at your own risk.**
I am not having a good day. I seem to be having a string of wickedly bad days where I feel so completely defeated by everything. Especially in the mothering department. That is the worst of all.
Why was today bad? Well, if I'm being honest, this morning wasn't bad at all. It was kind of nice. Both kids were at school, I had a quiet house to myself to catch up on some things, shower in peace, even got to (gasp!) blowdry my hair! At noon I picked Lia up from school and thought she'd love to go with me to get her favorite strawberry salad for lunch. A lunch date with mom. She's usually so excited about it. We waited in line and she was great. We ordered and sat outside and she was great. Our food came and she saw my sandwich came with chips. I told her she could have 4 chips and then she had to eat some salad. That's when the ground caved in beneath our table and the most embarrassing screaming tantrum erupted from her. Seriously folks, screaming, kicking, me doing my best not to get upset and angry but to try to calm her down without giving in to her wanting chips. And truly, young professionals at the table next to me, your disgusted stares were really appropriate and helpful. Thanks for that. Oh and the comments from you old lady at the table across form us? Definitely constructive and compassionate.
I couldn't calm her down or get her to stop and I could feel myself start to boil. So I threw everything in a to-go box and took her home and put her to bed. She's probably hungry and tired and the tantrum was probably a result of that. Plus, she's stubborn so I'm sure that had to do with it, too. But she wouldn't even tell me why she was crying. She wouldn't even hold still to get her seatbelt on.
And there is the parenting fail. Again.
Why was Tuesday bad? We have a rule that the kids can not start talking or making noise in the morning until either I come in and get them up (on a school day) or the clock in their room starts with 7. They know this rule. We've enforced this rule. And yet they still decide to do whatever they want. So at 5:30 I was woken up by Lia who was crying because she said she was hungry and Max saying he had an accident in his bed and the Lia deciding she would have an accident in her bed and both kids screaming and me yelling and by 6:15 I was ready to run away. And things did not get better throughout the day.
And again, parenting fail.
Why was Wednesday bad? For the most part it was okay. But that night we were watching a neighbor boy for a few hours and Max was out of control. I kept asking him to calm down, stop running, stop jumping off the couch, stop jumping on the couch, stop yelling, stop hitting people with the sword, STOP RUNNING. The only thing he would do is respond, "I AM" in a very rude voice and walk away and continue to act insane. I started out with trying to nicely ask him until it escalated into me shouting, SHOUTING, that if he didn't stop I was going to throw his toys away.
FAIL.
I'm just... I don't know. I'm just feeling so lost about what to do lately. I hate the kind of mom I've been for the past little while -- always angry, always yelling, always upset. I don't enjoy my kids. I don't enjoy being home with them. I don't enjoy any of it. I sit here, every night, thinking about all the ways I completely screwed up my children that day and thinking about all the ways they'll hate me when they are grown. I sit and think that I'm obviously not cut out to be a mom. I'm just not. And how horrible of a person I am for bringing these sweet innocent little beings into this world when they could have been born to a mother who knows how to take care of them and make them happy. My kids are unhappy. I'm unhappy. I have no clue what I'm doing and I can't shake the feeling that I'm failing at every single turn. And I'm not saying this because I don't want to be doing this, to be a mom. I've wanted to be a mom since I understood what a doll was, what a baby was. But maybe I'm just not cut out for the job. I'm positive my kids would be happier and turn out to be better people if they had a different mom.
Max is moody and whiny. Lia is defiant and stubborn. They are both rude and don't follow the rules we put forth in our house. They don't listen when we ask them to do things the first time or the second time or the third time and barely listen when we are yelling and shouting at them. And these things can't be their fault. I'm their mom. I'm the person they spend the most time with out of anyone else. It's obviously me. It's obviously because I have no idea what I'm doing.
So there you have it... that's how I'm feeling lately. Like I'm ruining two little lives who will one day grow up and look back on their childhood and resent everything I ever did. When they are teenagers they will pull away from me and then I'll lose them for good. I just truly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make them happy. I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing anymore. When they were babies things were easy. You feed them, you bathe them, you clothe them. And now that I'm having to mold these little babies into people I'm having a panic attack about it. Because heaven forbid they turn out anything like me. Truly one of my biggest fears.
So there. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm not sure how to correct their behavior. I'm not sure how to correct mine. I'm not sure how about much of anything except that I'm just not a good mom. I'm just not. I want them to happy and feel loved and feel safe and feel supported and feel like anything they need in life they can come to me for. Anything. And all I can think about is how miserably I'll have failed at that and how miserably I am failing at that now and how I have no idea how to even do that.
9 comments:
Dear Nina. I am currently sitting at my desk eating frosting out of the container because today has been so DARN awful. Claire is screaming in the other room as she refuses to take a nap (but I've trapped her in her crib) I have work to do but I'm just too overwhelmed with parenting to even think about it.
Please know it's not just you. maybe we should make a "parent of the year" award and pass it back and forth as we have our particularly stellar days
Sallee
Hey Nina,
The other day I saw you and Tyler outside our bedroom window cheering Max on as he was riding his two wheeler for what I presumed to be one of the very first times. You were laughing and clapping and cheering and supporting, and I thought, what a cute family, what great parents. You obviously love your kids (and I think they are awesome kids) so much, and THAT'S what our kids will take away the most--hopefully--that we loved them.
As we can see from Sallee eating frosting out of the jar (in my case, it's Nutella), and from all the many flat-out terrible mistakes I've made and still feel guilty about, no one is a perfect mom. I have no idea how I would hold it together with another one at this point.
So I don't have any specific advice, and couldn't presume to give any about other people's kids anyway. But as a mother of another, let's say "spirited", child (aka stubborn, independent, and yes, sometimes rude), I empathize with you! (And please call or come over if you ever need anything. I so enjoy talking with you!)
Ashley
(stalking from the UC 2nd ward blog)
Awe Nina, tonight, we had a great night at our house...all smiles and laughs. As Matt was changing Ellie's diaper, she was singing about how "mommy was the best" (I'm sure it made Matt feel great...ha ha). It made me smile. We read stories in bed, and then it came time to brush her teeth. She started crying and you know what...I lost it. I had no patience for her. And we didn't even have a rough night with her. She was an angel all night! Just one little thing and I lost it. As I held her hands down and forced my way into her mouth, and brushed her teeth, I looked into her eyes and saw the huge tears rolling down her face as she said over and over, "Mommy no", and I have never felt so bad in my life. My point, we all fail at being parents. I will fail at least a million more times, and so will you. But that DOES NOT mean that you are a bad parent. It does not mean you are ruining your kids and it does not mean you are doing anything wrong. You have your kids a lot, with Tyler being gone all the time. That's rough, and I admire you. I have learned that Ellie always test me because she is with me so much. She is an angel for everyone else! It's infuriating, but I think it's normal, and natural.
Nina, you need a break sometimes. I really really really mean this...please please please, let us take the kids sometime. Matt would LOVE playing with Max, and I know Lia would be so good with Ellie! Even if it's just a couple of hours on a weekend or something so that you can take a break. Seriously, we have nothing going on this Saturday morning...please let me know if we can take the kids. I mean that!
♥ Kyna
Awww. I've been there, Nina. A lot lately especially. Three little boys and a pregnant mommy is really hard. Mine have watched TV way too much lately and Jonathan has turned into a stinking brat. He is always being rude and defiant and making that little wrinkled nose, angry eyebrows face. And I have NO patience for it. None. Just yesterday I spanked him. Yes, we have a rule about no spanking but I did. I got so angry I just spanked him. And I felt like the worst mom ever. But I'm not. And you're not. God sent those little babies to YOU because their personalities needed YOU and YOUR MOTHERING. Not somebody else's. Only you can mother them the way they need mothering. Only you can understand them. When I have a rough time like that, I try to find someone who can take my kids for a little while (or maybe for you, someday when they are both at school) and I go to the temple. Maybe I do a session, maybe I just do initiatories for an hour. But I go and I pray for inspiration and I spend sometime in the celestial room reading scriptures and searching for the answer for right now, something to get us through this rough patch. And I also always ask for a blessing. I'm sure Tyler would be more than happy to give you one for comfort and guidance. For me, the answer always involved spending more time with them in some way in addition to something else. Your children and generally happy children and that means that above all else they are loved and they know it. And that's the most important thing. They are struggling right now with having their daddy gone. I know mine do. When Jeff was in school, the beginning of every new semester was like that. Awful. Because he'd spent so much time with us on his break and then he was gone all the time. And I was awful because it was hard for me and I missed him and the kids were awful because they missed him just as much. Third year is almost over... you don't have much longer. But it's taking it toll on you AND on them. They miss their dad because they love him so much and they don't understand, not really, why he has to be gone all the time. And they sense how hard it is for you and how it makes you feel and they act on that too without them even knowing it. I wish I was there. I would take your babies in a heartbeat so you could go to the temple and find some peace. You can do this. You are such a strong, amazing person and you are a GREAT mom! You can do this. And if you ever need a virtual hug just email me. I wish so bad that I could be there to help you and support you! ((HUGS))
First off I am very thankful to your friends who commented- I just don't think we can make it through mothering little ones without the support of friends. It's a hard job- I made most of my parenting mistakes with Tyler. And I still feel guilty about that. Your friends advice on love, peaceful time in the temple and in prayer and some break time for you is all sweet and good. I have one more for you - when I am around particularly patient moms, when I see how they lovingly and constructively handle their children- I try to emulate it. This helped me a ton- I found new ways to talk to my children to guide them to proper behavior. Where I would normally fall apart, scream and get mad- I found some moms could TEACH them without being a witch myself...wow that was a new concept! And it works. Amazingly. And you feel better about yourself as a mom. One mom taught me by example to talk to the child in a calm sweet voice - and have them repeat in the same soft voice what would be a better way to say- what the child is whining or yelling...it works perfectly. I had no idea that could be done. I did so much less yelling- sorry this was after Tyler - so that's all he knew!
You are a sweet loving mom. Ask for that blessing. Pray for new skills. Watch others you admire. Take that time in the temple...it actually will help in ways you don't see now, but will feel later.
By the way I admire your humility in sharing how you feel. I think most moms feel this way. Sad. Motherhood is such a sacred calling and so so hard. It doesn't help that society doesn't always give enough credit to the long sacrificing hours it takes. It takes love and it takes skills. You can find good parenting books too. Lose yourself in some and find your mind pondering their advice and what would help you feel like you are reacting to your children in better ways. I will pray for your success so YOU will be at more peace about your time as a mother.
I love you Nina. I love who you are. I live you for loving my son and my grandchildren.
First of all, you are NOT a bad mom! Not even close! If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't care. And you do. Secondly, NEVER listen to the rude things that old ladies say. They're cranky and old and it's not worth your time and energy to mentally combat them. I could go on and on. I'm not a fan of old ladies who speak before they think. Ugh.
I can imagine that it's very difficult for you and your kids right now, with Tyler gone all the time. I'm sure it takes a toll on all of you and is not only stressful for you, but also for the kids. I think you guys are under a lot more pressure than we are, and our home is still much like you describe yours! I yell at my kids all the time because that's the only way they respond. I can't figure it out either. I do realize that we're over-scheduled and I'm working on that. I also think that there has been quite a large attitude change since London started school. She is much more rude and disrespectful and inappropriate. We're working on that too, but it's hard.
Sometimes it's just nice to know we're not alone in the way we feel and you're not. It's hard, but you're a great mom and you can do hard things.
Are you stalking me and then writing about it on your blog? Weird.
Sigh. I know. I know.
I'm on a search for a better parenting technique for kids who just.won't.listen. If I find anything that works, you'll be the first to know.
Until then, hugs, my friend. Big hugs.
i think i know you pretty darn well to know that you are NOT a bad parent. you know this. i know this. tyler knows this. even your adorable children know this. we all certainly have bad moments...i tend to have them every hour or so. and i quickly repent of my evil mothering ways and...then, i eat a cookie. or two. okay FIVE!
you also need to remember the times that you've heard me (or anyone else, for that matter) yell at their kids or get frustrated with them. you are NOT alone. i've no doubt that if you were to trade your kids for mine for a week, you would quickly find that no one is safe in the "kids-not-listening-to-their-parents" department. or the "kids-giving-me-constant-attitude" one. or the "i'm-not-getting-what-i-want-right-now-so-i'll-throw-myself-on-the-floor-or-scream-my-way-to-time-out" department. honestly.
anyway, after my so-called "helpful" comment just now, i'll just say that you are an AMAZING mom. AMAZING mom's are not always patient. AMAZING moms drink coke to get through a bad afternoon sometimes. i am seriously always in awe at the wonderful things you teach your children and the things you do for them.
remember, i should be speed-dial #2 in case of your next emergency. or we could always do face-time...haha. =)
Nina,
I'm so glad you posted about this! Not so glad that your going through it, but it made me realize I'm not the only one who thinks I'm a bad mom. I actually went through a series of anxiety attacks recently thinking I just couldn't do it anymore! I'm feeling much better now after a day of fasting yesterday. Have you ever heard of a book called 1-2-3 Magic? It really is magic. When I stick to it, it makes a world of difference with my kids behavior. Stick in there, and hang on to the memorable and good moments that make it all worth it!
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