Don't Fall Asleep on the Couch

Alternate Title #1: Sleep With One Eye Open
Alternate Title #2: Do Not Keep Scissors In The House

Think of this blog post as a public service announcement. I type this and share this so you may all learn from my great tragedy.

My crime: I fell asleep. On the couch. While Max was awake.

The story: I did not sleep well last night. I had some craaazy dreams that kept me tossing and turning (ah the joys of pregnancy). So when Max got up this morning I made him his waffle, got him his milk, turned on PBS and laid down on the couch to rest. Well, I dozed off. The next thing I knew, I felt a tugging on my hair. My sleep induced thought process was along the lines of Max bugging me to get up and me pretending to not notice. Then, I heard a sound that cut through the dry air like scissors through hair. Only, that's EXACTLY what it was. At first I didn't recognize the sound. And being as sleep deprived as I was, I didn't quickly put two and two together. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked toward where Max was standing. There he was, with a giant pair of scissors in his hands. Confused and concerened I sat up more and noticed a giant chunk of brown hair laying on the couch. Why was my hair no longer attached to my head? Why did Max have scissors? Where the heck was I? What time is it? WHY IS MY HAIR LAYING BY ITSELF ON THE COUCH?? WHY DOES MAX HAVE SCISSORS????

And that's when I realized the unimaginable had happened. Max had cut my hair. A lot of it. Right from the side of my head. As the horror enveloped my like a smelly blanket I ran over to the bathroom mirror and saw the aftermath. Oh yes my friends, Max did a grand old job of chopping a fistful of hair right off the side of my head a little under my chin.

My next move? Well, I wanted to cry uncontrollably and give the kid a spanking. But all he did was stand there looking kind of shocked saying, "Momma's hair" and pointing at the pile on the couch. I didn't yell. I didn't say anything. I slowly walked to my computer and frantically messaged Mariah. In full freak out mode, she came right over to fix the carnage. She is a miracle worker.

But now I have short hair, something that I know is a big NO-NO when you are pregnant. Especially when you are pregnant like me with the huge round fat face and double chins. Mariah of course did a fabulous job. And I am forever in her debt. But seriously people, I'm going to be in mourning for a while. And you best believe that we're getting rid of all the scissors in our house.

The moral: Beware mothers out there who think dozing on the couch is perfectly safe. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep again. I hope that nothing like this ever happens to any of you. And don't assume just because your kid has never touched a pair of scissors it means they don't know how to use them. Because they probably do. And they will probably cut something with them. Something bad. And probably try to ruin your life -- as mine has done.